This is a response to ‘Being “Not Lonely” isn’t Enough’, which I cross-posted this week. It is a great article, and as many eloquent writings about ‘settling’, desire and deserving it all – I noticed that I had not read a good male perspective on that subject recently.
So rather than looking for something to cross-post, I looked for the closest available Man who is looking to create the relationship of his life. I found myself (and yes, that is another story too…)
Actually I found myself in more ways than one. The marriage that I left in 2013 was not giving myself or my ex-wife what we wanted, and we had been struggling for years to find the win-win within the marriage. We finally got to the point that we were clear the win-win was not to be found there; we had to look elsewhere and independently. So – the breakdown and all that followed – leading to the present moment.
Here I sit on a Sunday evening, having just returned to my new rental suite where I am sorting out my living space and preparing for my kids to be with me in a few days time. And I am doing a lot of deep soul-listening at the same time. Transitions are like that for me; they stir everything up – and I get to experience how I have changed since the last major shake-up.
The last time I moved, two years ago (and separation +1 year) it was to a place where I had the peace and space to heal. I needed to cry, a lot. I needed to rant the anger and frustration out. I needed to give those demons some serious exercise so that I could exorcise them. I had a relationship in which I had the time and space to heal. The last 6 months have been a process of breaking out of the cocoon…
What I have now is something I have never had before – a deep unquestioning resolve to create what I want and not settle. I would rather be alone than engage in a relationship that just exists to fill a ‘need’; covering up loneliness or the desire for sex. I have rediscovered my inner romantic.
And rather that it being the hapless guy I used to remember, this guy is not ready to compromise. He knows he is amazing and is looking for the connection with amazing. He does not have a formula, but he is following his heart – however crazy it is seeming in the moment. He even trusts that irrational part of himself that he blamed for guiding him onto the jagged rocks and sinking him – he had given up on it for a while. He has made peace and friends with his heart again.
And what is bubbling up –
It is about the indescribable time-vanishing beauty of eye contact; holding connection straight on through uncomfortable into completely new realms. Allowing unexpected silences. Intrigue and curiosity. It is about openness and revealing. It is about depth. VISION. DREAMS! It is not about trivial comfort and keeping it away from pain. It is about leaning through and past old edges. It is about vulnerability being strength. It is about the gentlest of touch drawing the energy from each and between us; weaving it. Feeling it physically awake at my solar plexus and deep through my chest. It is about saying YES, and meaning it even through fear. It is about trust. It is about how I look at you and you bouncing it right back at me. It is about the smile and easy laughter that follows. And it is about not being able to stop the conversation. Late night candlelight and being close; unwilling to let go. It is all about making love and not so much about sex. It is about win-win. And for a cliche – it is about soul-mate.
Scary shit – says the twit in my head, trying to keep me safe and distract me – telling me that this is just crazy talk. He keeps pulling faces and running at me, trying to get me to back off and think of something else.
I know better. Getting ‘safely to death’ is no longer my game plan. This was always meant to be played all-out.
I choose to think I have these desires to fulfill them – to allow the universe to experience itself through me – that is why they are there.
I think I just needed to share this out loud without ‘coach’ being in the way; good to write this as a Man.
Yup, I really did just say all that out loud…
Hitting ‘publish’ quick before I have second thoughts…