Well, not quite. According to the Holmes-Rahe stress inventory scale, it is number 2.
And in Canada (your local statistics may vary), since the end of the 1980s, between 35% and 42% of marriages have ended in divorce. In other words almost one in two people who marry will go through this experience in their lifetimes. Note that this statistic does not capture those who go through committed relationships that are not recognized as ‘marriages’, which break up with similar personal impact – and sometimes more so as those around you do not recognize it as ‘divorce’.
So the impact on individuals is huge, and it is common. It is also a difficult subject for friends and family to deal with. They want to help and support which can vary from offering to ‘step in’ and ‘help fix it’, to sharing horror stories of how divorce is likely to go and what you can expect. It is deeply emotionally-charged minefield. In my experience also leads people to into what can be difficult introspection in their own relationships. So at the time you need it most, your existing support networks may not be up to giving you 100%.
Working with professionals (therapists, counsellors, coaches) through this life transition is becoming more common and accepted. However even in dealing with these skilled professionals, it is very common (and human!) to feel that you have somehow failed or come up short in life by getting to this experience. It is difficult to see outside of the lens of ‘failure’ and/or ‘victim’.
Even with expert support possible to remain ‘stuck’; the best you can do being to avoid the painful grief-filled thoughts and operate over the top to keep your life moving. You do what you need to survive and ‘put your life back together again’. Some glue, putty to fill in the irreplaceable cracks. And then you get to take this rebuilt self out into the world to pursue – again – creating the life of your dreams. If you can remain out of the shoals of anger, resentment, cynicism and resignation…
Enough of the bad news. Here is the good.
YOUR DIVORCE IS A HUGE BREAKDOWN.
IT CAN BECOME THE GREATEST GIFT OF YOUR LIFE!
Before you look at the last sentence again in total disbelief, let me get clear on what I mean by a breakdown;
BREAKDOWN: YOU DID NOT CREATE THE RESULTS YOU INTENDED’
That is it! Your reaction to the breakdown is what makes it so hard to be with. You invested everything you had into everything you knew how to do to create the partnership, happiness, intimacy, joy you wanted and it did not work out that way.
Let me be crystal clear – that totally sucks! You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling, and I am so sorry for your experience… My divorce was not your divorce – and mine really sucked. I get it.
I went through the end of a 15 year marriage with two children in 2013. Simultaneously I retrained as an Ontological Life Coach. The latter training and support gave me profound insight into working with myself and others through this major life transition. Far from making it trivial it forced me to dive deep into myself, through all of the hot and messy emotion, into what happened, into how I interpreted it, into how everything I had learned about the world had contributed to this outcome. I kept digging. I FOUND GOLD!
HERE IS THE GIFT – YOUR BREAKTHROUGH
What if this were the opportunity to get what did not work out of the way once and for all and create a new life containing everything you want? I am talking about a RADical opportunity to reinvent your life! Your divorce can be the catalyst to create what you want in your life. No shit – no kidding.
It does not matter if your divorce happened a decade ago or is in process right now. Is it over?
REINVENTION AFTER DIVORCE (RAD)™ is a brand new program I am putting the finishing touches to and will be launching on July 1st. This program is designed to support you in using this ‘mother of all breakdowns’ in creating the BREAKTHROUGH TRANSFORMATION OF YOUR LIFE!
Over the next few days I will be writing and sharing more about this subject and the program. I am really excited (and I am British, so you know this is an understatement) to be able to offer the fruits of my experience and transformation to support you in the next steps of your journey of healing, recovery and reinvention; creating YOUR NEW AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE.
I would love to hear from you any questions you have – I will be pleased to answer them and look forward to the conversation.